Will it be all or nothing?

It's been a long week, packed in between an awesome U2 concert, a long run, a 4 day birthday celebration for Lyndsey and a real effort to catch up on some sleep (sprinkle in some personal drama in the family).

Yesterday was the first I said the words outloud,"Maybe I shouldn't do the marathon." I weighed those words as they left my mouth against for any feeling of disappointment or shame I thought I might experience if I really do just "give up." None of those feelings existed but none of them existed I suspect because I am in pain.

My left knee caused me to cut my long run short on Saturday. I was scheduled to do an 11 miler, I had hoped to do 12 and make it all the way home but at 11 miles called Lyndsey and asked her to come get me. I couldn't feel my legs from the knees down.

I have suspected that my running gait was underpronation. Underpronation is when you step and your foot doesn't roll all the way in as it should, meaning the outside of your foot takes all the impact, weight and stress instead of properly distributing it. Overpronating means you roll your ankle in too much. There are some shoes that work better for my gait, they are expensive and I have avoided buying them...well, until yesterday.

Yesterday's run was especially painful. Except that it's funny that way the pain comes after the run. My running schedule is different this week, with higher miles during the week making up for previously scheduled Saturday when I will be out of town. So, it wasn't until I was trying to get up the stairs to our apartment that the pain hit me like a freight train.

Lyndsey picked me up at 10 and drove me to work and half way through the day I lay on the floor of our office and uttered those unavoidable words,"Maybe I shouldn't do a marathon." I could buy the new shoes (and I decided it was worth the try), I could go to the podiatrist and get some specialty orthotics and therapy to fix my runner's knee (a common ailment for runners) and still attempt the 26.2 mile run or I could quit entirely and hope to make it through the half marathon.

I'm not a quitter but I'm not stupid. If the shoes don't help I will revisit this decision, thankfully after yesterday's episode of defeat I know I won't be embarrassed or disappointed to say, "my body just won't let me." I did run 11 miles without stopping for goodness sake! But I also know there is a point where you ask how much is worth to invest all of this time, money, effort, etc into this dream, into this goal. My life isn't a movie where the budget is gigantic and my knees can be fixed after I've ruined them for life by a doctor played by Denzel Washington. This is my real life with limited budget, time, and I'd like to be able to use my knees after February's race. I'd like to walk down stairs and not wince, and drive myself to work without a chauffer.

Will it be all or nothing? I believe even if I do "quit" I can never really say that it was "nothing".