Hey Chicago!

Hey Chicago! I am coming your way in late July. That's right, I'm on the list to run the Rock'n'Roll Chicago 1/2 Marathon and I'm excited!

I love Chicago, it's a great town and I'm looking forward to running through its streets.

Lyndsey is coming with me. We've been talking about taking a trip up to the Windy City and here's a perfect to do so.

I'm back up to running 9 miles on my LSDs, which a good thing. It's not only keeping me busy with a goal in mind it's also a good indicator that I haven't lost all my stamina and endurance since running Austin.

I'll admit I have yet to feel like myself since the marathon but I think there are other contributors to this. I started back on a more regimented running schedule this week and hope to build from there.

See you soon, Chi- Ca- Go!

What next?

I haven't been running much. And by much I mean only 3 times since the marathon. I am finally feeling more like my normal self. No more pain, literally, in the glutes. Last time I ran I managed 3 miles, granted I went faster than my normal pace so maybe that's why I was so winded, and it felt really hard.

For the first time I actually thought to myself,"maybe I don't want to do any more marathons," and I felt okay with that. I am a person who loves goals, needs challenges and projects to work on. If I don't have them, I'm lost.

So, now I am sitting here thinking: what next? Do I sign up for the half marathon in Chicago in August? Do I wait for the half marathon in November in San Antonion? Do I do more after those? Or do I move on?

I've been biking at home on my recumbent stationary (stationery) bike. It's a workout in itself. I've scaled back on the crap I was eating and managed to keep my weight down. I don't love biking, it's not the next thing for me. Neither is a triathlon, I hate swimming because I'm not good at it.

So, what do you think? What's next?

And....we're back

Well it's been a couple weeks since the big race and already I am planning my running future.

San Antonio Rock'n'Roll Half Marathon in November with Lyndsey.
Houston Marathon next January- hopefully I can get in
Chicago Marathon October 2011- why? For FUN of course!

I have jogged twice since the marathon. The first time wasn't fast at all and felt good. I felt rusty but good to be moving again and then I tried again this past Monday and pushed a little too hard. I think I re-strained the muscle that had been given me trouble so I am back to biking only, every other day.

I need to remember to squelch the desire to move all the time and rush back to running full time.

Honestly, last week went better than the first week post-race. It took some time to work through my issues with my performance and with the race itself. I know I must be the athletic, competitive type when people look at me wide eyed and can't relate to NEEDING to have a redo.

It's an internal thing. I literally had to grieve over the perfect performance I was on course to achieve. I cried, I cursed, I raged inside, before I have finally just accepted it. I didn't train to walk, so I am praying I won't have to next race.

For now, I look to the future: healing, exercising and eating smart, and encouraging Lyndsey along her journey to getting in shape to start training. So far, so good!

26.2 miles

I've read it at least 6 times in the last 6 months that you never finish a marathon the same person as when you began. I looked forward to that in a way, I waited on Sunday for that to kick in and much to my disappointment it never came.

I am not pleased with my performance, in fact I am embarrassed by it. I trained for 6 months in order to be able to run the entire thing. I had to walk. I had a goal time in mind and I missed it by about 4 miles.

My reality is skewed these days. A 8 mile run seems short and easy. I know just a few short months ago that wasn't the case and I know most people don't see 8 miles as short or easy. So it's hard for most people to relate to how I feel.

I have a finisher's medal hanging from me wall and a tech shirt that proclaims to the world that I ran Austin. In truth, running the Austin Marathon should count for running 2 marathons, or at least one and a half.

I drove the course on Saturday and the doubt and fear creeped back in. Those hills are hard, steep and many in the first half of the race. I kept saying out loud, maybe this was mistake and hopefully I could finish and still walk.

I took those hills well. My legs gave me everything they had and I made record time in the first 12 miles (the hardest part) but the problem is that my legs gave me everything they had and my right calf wouldn't stop cramping. The rest of the race is blur.

Blurred between the tears of anger, disappointment, and defeat I felt while having to walk. Blurred by the runners I had passed earlier now passing me. Blurred by the many thoughts racing through my head trying every trick they had to keep me motivated to keep going.

I teetered between quitting and accepting that maybe I had to walk the rest of it.

I struggled with that acceptance and as I did I kept waiting to experience that change, that self discovery everyone talked about. Was it thrilling to make it through those hills in record time? Heck yes, and it was thrilling to make it through them at all.

But what I was supposed to discover out there on that course about myself, I already knew. 1) I don't quit. 2) Compromise is almost never acceptable. 3) That I want the best out of myself 4) That I wouldn't be happy with anything less.

Maybe one of these days I'll look at my medal and the reality of the situation will sink in. That I, in 16 short months, have gone from unhealthy couch potato who was 100 pounds overweight to a marathon runner and finisher.

One day, I hope soon, I'll be proud of my accomplishment. For now, I am looking to the future. I know I can do better. I know the key is a flat course and so now I am considering trying again.

Do I realize I am wallowing in self pity? Yes. Yes, I do. But as I said my reality is skewed right now and I really need people to understand where I am right now and validate that, instead of insisting that I am just crazy for not being happy.

One lesson that is being enforced after the fact, that wasn't out on the course, I can't set such high expectations for things, accomplishments, people, without being willing to accept the disappointment that may come with them. I thought the marathon would be my pinnacle, the precipice in my life. Now I am left to realize that nothing can or has the ability to make me happy but myself.

As you are on the marathon course. You are dependent only on yourself; your preparation, conditioning, training, experience, judgment, and heart are the only things from you can draw on that can or has the ability to alter the course of your life.

Pictures

The end of the race. I managed to sprint it in to the end and passed about 5 guys in the process.

Coming up to mile 18.
The night before the race I asked for a sign to show me this was something I really should try. Look what I found in the hotel room.
Ready to run.

T minus 1

My bib is in hand. I'm number 658. I am excited, scared and exhausted. I've slept little to none in the past three nights. I don't expect to get any more tonight either. Hopefully my nerves will subside long enough this afternoon to catch up in a nap.

I've heard it's usually pure adrenaline that carries you your last week and race day and I guess I am learning that now.

So here we go.

Live or die, here we go.

I intend

I intend to blog as I run the marathon on Sunday. Okay, maybe not but that would kind of cool. When I helped a few weeks ago with the Houston marathon I saw people chatting on their phones, texting and Lyndsey spotted someone videoing themselves as they ran along.

Hmmm...not me. My head will be up focused on the place my feet will place next. If my eyes are closed I am likely praying for God to take away the pain and I mean that as respectfully as possible.

I watched the Spirit of the Marathon last night and this morning. It's a documentary that follows about 5 runners with different goals and desires for running the Chicago marathon. I ended up tearing up in the end of the show because my nerves were finally at peace.

It was a good reminder that I need to enjoy the experience, have fun, challenge myself and get through it. I am not going for place finishing, my goal in the beginning should be the same at the end. FINISH.

That's what I intend to do.