Patience is not a virtue

patience is not a virtue I have a lot of, it used to be but it exists no longer within the confines of this fleshy body.

It's been a long week that consisted of me barely finishing my 4 mile run yesterday. At about mile three the tears began to pour and I was thankful I had the gym to myself because the words that I spat at myself in that stupid wall sized mirror weren't cute or decent for another's ears.

I'm disappointed in myself, in my performance, in the recent surge of cravings I've been experiencing and my absolute no interest in eating the good stuff. I'm tired, no, I'm exhausted. I'm stressed, I'm excited and I hate waiting.

Perhaps that's why I am hurt. Yep, the foot thing. I forced myself to finish my run yesterday even though I was cursing myself quite loudly for being so stupid. See, even I knew it was bone headed move but I couldn't get my legs to stop.

Is is just the shoes? Am I risking a strain? Or even worse, a break? I don't know. There isn't any pain, it just swelled on Monday. I have no patience or time for this, doesn't my body know I race in 2 1/2 weeks, I wanna race tomorrow. I have to race, if I can't then what was the point of training 6 days a week and eating a bunch of crud that I hate?

Tomorrow is a nine miler and I am doing it on the ever boring treadmill. That way if something goes wrong I am close to home or can change out the shoes,if that's the problem.

You know you hear brides to be always saying, "I wish it were over" after getting to the point where planning is no longer fun and all the chaos has taken over. That's where I am, I wish I were racing tomorrow because I am more than prepared now. If my foot sits me out now, I won't be prepared then.

Undeniably Know

I undeniably know that I can finish a half marathon. This knowledge and confidence came at about 6:15 am last Friday as I jumped in the shower to clean up after a beautiful 12 mile nonstop run. I didn't bask in the knowledge, it wasn't a big revelation, instead I just smiled and sighed.
What a relief, but that's what training is for.

In the beginning I fought against the training regime, not necessarily on purpose, but I tried challenging myself further than instructed. Run faster, run harder, run more. About 4 weeks of that burned me out and I dug deep within to slow down, run easier and run the prescribed amount. I told myself that I had to trust the professionals, the people who do these things as a hobby and trust that I would be where I needed to be mentally, physically and emotionally for such a challenge.

I got up on the treadmill, started with a warm up mile at a slower speed and panicked. Running on a treadmill is boring and I hate it, not only was I attempting this at 4 am I was on a treadmill and I realized I forgot to turn on the tv. It was just me, the machine and my iPod for the next two hours. I breathed, relaxed and interestingly enough I loved every minute of my run. I don't remember those two hours at all, what I thought about, what I was looking at, or how I entertained myself. I just remember feeling the runner's high as each half mile ticked by.

I knew at mile 11 I had it in me to do 13.1 miles that morning and that's when I just knew. I can do this, I am in that "zone". To tell you the truth, I don't need to run in a couple weeks in San Antonio to prove it to myself or anyone else. I know how I felt, I know my condition and I know I can do it. There is nothing sweeter than knowing I have arrived. I crossed my finish line and if I never run again, I would be okay with that.

Will it be all or nothing?

It's been a long week, packed in between an awesome U2 concert, a long run, a 4 day birthday celebration for Lyndsey and a real effort to catch up on some sleep (sprinkle in some personal drama in the family).

Yesterday was the first I said the words outloud,"Maybe I shouldn't do the marathon." I weighed those words as they left my mouth against for any feeling of disappointment or shame I thought I might experience if I really do just "give up." None of those feelings existed but none of them existed I suspect because I am in pain.

My left knee caused me to cut my long run short on Saturday. I was scheduled to do an 11 miler, I had hoped to do 12 and make it all the way home but at 11 miles called Lyndsey and asked her to come get me. I couldn't feel my legs from the knees down.

I have suspected that my running gait was underpronation. Underpronation is when you step and your foot doesn't roll all the way in as it should, meaning the outside of your foot takes all the impact, weight and stress instead of properly distributing it. Overpronating means you roll your ankle in too much. There are some shoes that work better for my gait, they are expensive and I have avoided buying them...well, until yesterday.

Yesterday's run was especially painful. Except that it's funny that way the pain comes after the run. My running schedule is different this week, with higher miles during the week making up for previously scheduled Saturday when I will be out of town. So, it wasn't until I was trying to get up the stairs to our apartment that the pain hit me like a freight train.

Lyndsey picked me up at 10 and drove me to work and half way through the day I lay on the floor of our office and uttered those unavoidable words,"Maybe I shouldn't do a marathon." I could buy the new shoes (and I decided it was worth the try), I could go to the podiatrist and get some specialty orthotics and therapy to fix my runner's knee (a common ailment for runners) and still attempt the 26.2 mile run or I could quit entirely and hope to make it through the half marathon.

I'm not a quitter but I'm not stupid. If the shoes don't help I will revisit this decision, thankfully after yesterday's episode of defeat I know I won't be embarrassed or disappointed to say, "my body just won't let me." I did run 11 miles without stopping for goodness sake! But I also know there is a point where you ask how much is worth to invest all of this time, money, effort, etc into this dream, into this goal. My life isn't a movie where the budget is gigantic and my knees can be fixed after I've ruined them for life by a doctor played by Denzel Washington. This is my real life with limited budget, time, and I'd like to be able to use my knees after February's race. I'd like to walk down stairs and not wince, and drive myself to work without a chauffer.

Will it be all or nothing? I believe even if I do "quit" I can never really say that it was "nothing".

It's Officially Official

The last thing on my "to do" list on Friday was to check the mail before I headed to visit my folks for the weekend. Inside there was a package, a package that made my heart jump...it had arrived. The cherry on top that made this crazy journey a reality, it was my Austin Marathon training shirt. I am so excited and of course, it's super cool (okay, maybe not but it looks that way to me).

My 10 miler on Saturday wasn't noteworthy except that I survived it feeling pretty good. I ran on the road my parent's live on, named after my grandparents. The going was easy the coming back was into the north wind and slowed me down. 5 1/2 laps and I was done.

I also found out it's official now that my Dad will be running with me in the half marathon next month. I can't tell you how excited I am about that. I think he'll leave me in the dust pace wise but after discussion I have the edge on endurance.

I am concentrating now I really creating a healthy training routine. Really nailing the right foods, getting rid of the processed crud, monitoring my sleep (sorry if that means I can't do much in the evenings late) and resting. It's crunch time people and I can't tell you how great it feels.

Three Day Weekend

God Bless, Columbus! He was a horrid little man and someone named Amerigo got the country named after him and Leif Erikson was the first discoverer of the New World but Columbus gives me a three day weekend and for that I say, "thank you."

While that means I get three consecutive days off from work I do not get a break from running. Tomorrow is a ten miler and Monday only four. I am gaining momentum as the half marathon quickly approaches. I am disappointed I will miss getting to watch the Chicago Marathon this Sunday as I am headed to the boondocks but in my own way I'll be running my own mini-marathon. What's better than first hand experience?

Today was the first day on my bike in a number of days. Races throw my weekly schedule off since they are mostly scheduled for my off days. But another bless is television on my laptop for free, they get me through long hard biking days when I would like nothing more than to sleep.

So again, Thank you, Mr. Columbus for nothing more than being overcredited for someone else's work and giving me a three day holiday!

Just another Day

It's just another day, in just another week of training. I got up and weight trained and then ran a very nice and easy 3 which gave me the runner's high for about 4 hours following it. I love that feeling and had never experienced it before a couple of months ago. It suppresses your appetite and is an unexplainable sense of energy that just makes you feel, how I imagine, high.

This weekend my mileage increases to 10 miles, then next 11 and then 12. It will then taper down for two weeks following before the big 13.1 in San Antonio. I am getting more and more excited as I do these longer and longer runs. By no means am I fast but to actually say I ran 9 miles on Sunday and to know inside I could've gone all 13 and not died, is an amazing feeling.

I am literally in awe of myself and not in the vain way, in the the sense that I really can't believe that I am, barring no injuries, going to complete one of those unthinkable, unimaginable goals that seems so unattainable before all of this. The reality that I am doing it, completing it, actually training for it, not just saying ,"one day maybe", but actually doing it is setting in and I'm excited!

Race for the Cure

A number of years ago my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer. Breast cancer awareness was gaining momentum and the Susan Komen foundation was beginning to churn out pink items in every genre trying to raise money. As in everything you begin to pay attention, but you don't pay enough attention until it literally hits home.

Having beat the cancer and becoming a survivor, almost two years ago they discovered it had come back but in the colon. Perhaps, this struck enough fear in my heart to know that when the doctor said jump, I didn't question the consequences of ignoring her orders.

Last year I practiced walking the Houston Race for the Cure 5K (3.1 miles), this year I ran it. I didn't set a world record, I didn't raise the most money, heck I didn't even come in second but for me this race was to honor my aunt, to celebrate life, and to support all of those out there struggling against an unseen disease, illness, or evil.

Because that's what cancer, genetic conditions, mental illness, etc. are, unseen and incredibly scary. I enjoyed my short (in comparison to what's coming next month) race, I loved the experience and I learned some things for the next race: don't eat so early and take water with you to the start line. We stood around for an hour before it even began I was thirsty and hungry. Something I still haven't learned: pace myself.

Peace and prayers.

2 or 3

This one will be short. I woke up earlier than I had hoped and again I wrangled with the idea of running this evening instead of the morning.

5 minutes later, legs pumping my biggest choice was whether to do 2 or 3 miles. My schedule said 3 but I was worried about needing to conserve energy. Now for those of you active people a 3.1 race seems small and not really a race where I need to conserve energy before running it but you have to understand I am still fat in my mind.

On the way home from doggie barfy dinner the other night Lyndsey reminded me that last year when i walked this race I actually practiced, anxious that I wouldn't be able to do it very well or quickly. So for me, the perspective is lost on me.

I did the 3.1 this morning as fast as I felt I was able to not burn out at the end. It took a little over 26 minutes which is decent for me. Should I have done less? I dunno know but I am glad I did the three, it just feels good to know I didn't sell myself short.