26.2 miles

I've read it at least 6 times in the last 6 months that you never finish a marathon the same person as when you began. I looked forward to that in a way, I waited on Sunday for that to kick in and much to my disappointment it never came.

I am not pleased with my performance, in fact I am embarrassed by it. I trained for 6 months in order to be able to run the entire thing. I had to walk. I had a goal time in mind and I missed it by about 4 miles.

My reality is skewed these days. A 8 mile run seems short and easy. I know just a few short months ago that wasn't the case and I know most people don't see 8 miles as short or easy. So it's hard for most people to relate to how I feel.

I have a finisher's medal hanging from me wall and a tech shirt that proclaims to the world that I ran Austin. In truth, running the Austin Marathon should count for running 2 marathons, or at least one and a half.

I drove the course on Saturday and the doubt and fear creeped back in. Those hills are hard, steep and many in the first half of the race. I kept saying out loud, maybe this was mistake and hopefully I could finish and still walk.

I took those hills well. My legs gave me everything they had and I made record time in the first 12 miles (the hardest part) but the problem is that my legs gave me everything they had and my right calf wouldn't stop cramping. The rest of the race is blur.

Blurred between the tears of anger, disappointment, and defeat I felt while having to walk. Blurred by the runners I had passed earlier now passing me. Blurred by the many thoughts racing through my head trying every trick they had to keep me motivated to keep going.

I teetered between quitting and accepting that maybe I had to walk the rest of it.

I struggled with that acceptance and as I did I kept waiting to experience that change, that self discovery everyone talked about. Was it thrilling to make it through those hills in record time? Heck yes, and it was thrilling to make it through them at all.

But what I was supposed to discover out there on that course about myself, I already knew. 1) I don't quit. 2) Compromise is almost never acceptable. 3) That I want the best out of myself 4) That I wouldn't be happy with anything less.

Maybe one of these days I'll look at my medal and the reality of the situation will sink in. That I, in 16 short months, have gone from unhealthy couch potato who was 100 pounds overweight to a marathon runner and finisher.

One day, I hope soon, I'll be proud of my accomplishment. For now, I am looking to the future. I know I can do better. I know the key is a flat course and so now I am considering trying again.

Do I realize I am wallowing in self pity? Yes. Yes, I do. But as I said my reality is skewed right now and I really need people to understand where I am right now and validate that, instead of insisting that I am just crazy for not being happy.

One lesson that is being enforced after the fact, that wasn't out on the course, I can't set such high expectations for things, accomplishments, people, without being willing to accept the disappointment that may come with them. I thought the marathon would be my pinnacle, the precipice in my life. Now I am left to realize that nothing can or has the ability to make me happy but myself.

As you are on the marathon course. You are dependent only on yourself; your preparation, conditioning, training, experience, judgment, and heart are the only things from you can draw on that can or has the ability to alter the course of your life.

Pictures

The end of the race. I managed to sprint it in to the end and passed about 5 guys in the process.

Coming up to mile 18.
The night before the race I asked for a sign to show me this was something I really should try. Look what I found in the hotel room.
Ready to run.

T minus 1

My bib is in hand. I'm number 658. I am excited, scared and exhausted. I've slept little to none in the past three nights. I don't expect to get any more tonight either. Hopefully my nerves will subside long enough this afternoon to catch up in a nap.

I've heard it's usually pure adrenaline that carries you your last week and race day and I guess I am learning that now.

So here we go.

Live or die, here we go.

I intend

I intend to blog as I run the marathon on Sunday. Okay, maybe not but that would kind of cool. When I helped a few weeks ago with the Houston marathon I saw people chatting on their phones, texting and Lyndsey spotted someone videoing themselves as they ran along.

Hmmm...not me. My head will be up focused on the place my feet will place next. If my eyes are closed I am likely praying for God to take away the pain and I mean that as respectfully as possible.

I watched the Spirit of the Marathon last night and this morning. It's a documentary that follows about 5 runners with different goals and desires for running the Chicago marathon. I ended up tearing up in the end of the show because my nerves were finally at peace.

It was a good reminder that I need to enjoy the experience, have fun, challenge myself and get through it. I am not going for place finishing, my goal in the beginning should be the same at the end. FINISH.

That's what I intend to do.

"Fear When It Grips You"

Oy! I started getting nerves about this race last week. This morning however, fear set in and at about 8:30 a.m. I was almost paralyzed. I quickly dressed, got out the door and moved on to running errands in order to keep myself busy.

I got to the office way earlier than need be only to find our water cooler was leaking water all over our carpet. "Good,"I thought," something to keep me busy." Now, here I sit, twindling my thumbs, surfing the same sites between phone calls, emails and my usual day's work. Trying so hard to not think about it.

Why am I scared? I know I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Part of me is scared of the unfamiliar hilly course, I am expecting my legs to be completely trashed. Valentine's Day activities that day will most likely be out because I'll be laid up in bed unable to move. This is what I am preparing for at aleast. Hoping for better.

I actually think I am more scared about what comes afterward. Everything changes. No more pressure of the training. No more hard training unless I want to- and even then at least a week following will be no working out altogether.

It's the same anxiety I had when I hit my weight goal. The uncertainty of what to do next. How much was enough or too much and how often? My diet will need to revert to weight loss diet, just more food obviously. And while at this point I have to admit I am tired of eating- I never thought I would ever feel that way- I am not looking forward to all the rules again.

I'm scared. Plain and simple of what the future holds, perhaps more than running 26.2 miles straight.

Aches and Pains

My 9 miler yesterday wasn't too bad. I say that in the sense that it could never have been too bad since I wasn't running twenty-something- crazy miles but my mental focus wasn't there which meant it felt like it took forever to complete. The funny development is the aches and pains that have creeped up on me since last Sunday's 24 miler.

Each time I run my legs ache. Ache like they ran a marathon. It hurts but in a weird way, in an uncomfortable way I mean. It makes it hard to sit still, hard to lay still but even harder to walk or stand.

Yesterday I stood in the kitchen for about 4 minutes as I inhaled my dinner. That feat in itself was a disaster for my feet. I had to immediately sit down and when the gap between the chair and the leg support of the recliner (when reclined) didn't support my knees well enough I needed to go soak my muscles in a warm bath.

I am not used to this discomfort, to this endless dull ache. I read this morning that it's normal. that the body as been finely tuned and in the last three tapering weeks of training the body feels the tuning. I should be proteining up this week, the protein allows the muscles to repair themselves, refresh themselves. Then next week I need to carb up. I had it backward, sort of.

So I finished off the brownies so they would stop tempting me and now I need to focus on protein. Hopefully an egg, peanut butter, milk, cheese and meat will take my dull aches away.