Nerve Endings

The best part of a run is the end. Seriously, I know all of you (two) people who actually read this blog are laughing and thinking,"no kidding, cause then you aren't running anymore." That is true but for the me the best part about the run ending is how I feel. The run may have been hard or easy, I may have felt great or horrible, I may have been able to focus or every step may have taken mental effort- it doesn't really matter, because aftward I feel great.

Okay, so maybe I am sore, I may walk funny and I may be exhausted by emotionally and mentally- if not physically- I feel great. Even my worst runs I walk away from, generally, happy that I laced up my shoes and accomplished. I did it. I achieved that goal for myself that day. The endorphins kick in sure but the high is really the sense of accomplishment. The pride you feel when you completed a task you could have just as easily walked away from and no one faulted you.

When I tell people I run or when they find out, the usual response is," ooo I hate running" or "it's hard" or "i don't like to sweat." The responses are all reasons to avoid the task I completed giving me more fuel for feeling accomplished. The days I run and go to work I always say to myself when I sit down at my desk," hey, this will be no problem I've already run (x amount) miles today." Then I have a moment where I marvel that I can even say that, then it's back to reality for me.

The problem though with endings is that they are just that, the end. In a couple weeks this training will be finished. This journey completed, the finish line will be reached and my nerves will be back to normal ( I am praying for this). But right now, my nerves have the best of me. I am a beast to live with, my roommate can attest to this, I am nervouse, scared, excited and a little sad all in one.

Sad? yeah, sad. Because this has been an experience, a learning experience, an exercise in trust. Trusting myself to make wise decisions, trusting my body to tell me what it can or cannot do, trusting the mystery person I will never meet who posted the training schedule online that I have been using- thanks by the way whomever you are- trusting my family to support me, trusting my friends to encourage me. Trusting that I could do this.

It's weird when I set challenges for myself. Some I accomplish and moving on is easy, some I move toward and never reach and I'll regret for the rest of my life, and others I actually mourn as they come to a close. This will be one of them...

But in the mean time I will live at the end of my nerves allowing all the scenarios run through my brain as I lay awake at night tossing and turning. As my "true colors" are revealed in my rants about nothing at all, my aloofness in the midst of a crowd, or my sudden exuberance that leaves the grocery store patrons gasping of surprise.

Feelings, that's what this whole process has been about. It's the core cause or motivation for the weight gain/loss, marathon attempting/completing. They can't be ignored. THEY CANNOT BE IGNORED. So I will work through my grief the same way I work through everything else in my life. I will run.