I don't wanna

Urg, let me begin by saying last night was not fun. After a 5 mile run, a full day at the office, and returning home to find out my roommate hadn't had dinner yet because she had been cleaning up doggie puke since she got home (almost 3 hours earlier), I drove her out to the outskirts of town for dinner. Hey, she deserved it.

She thought she had checked everywhere for more spots and was confident it was all up until I went to bed and discovered doggie sicky on my bed and pillow and comforter.

So, needless to say neither of us slept well. (her bed had been covered in doggie stuff too)

I slept until I couldn't sleep anymore, got up and made up the beds since they had dried, ate some breakfast and decided I would run as planned this morning instead of this evening (i was betting I would be too tired by the end of the day- and I was right).

But this morning's run, a 5 miler, seemed especially hard. I ran around our big city block 2 1/2 times to make my 5 miles and every step I just wished I were back in bed, surrounded by the warmth of my clean, fresh sheets or at least on the couch icing my knees.

It's hard to make yourself workout sometimes, it's hard to find the will to sweat and huff and puff while people on the street walk or drive by staring at you like you're crazy. I always think to myself when I catch someone staring," yeah, that's right some of us do this for fun."

Fun?! Who am I kidding,this morning I did it because I ate way to much stuff last night celebrating. Celebrating? Yeah, we decided to call last nights impromptu dinner my 1 year anniversary 100 pounds lost dinner instead of "you just spent all evening cleaning up doggie puke" dinner. It just had a better ring to it.

So, in closing, I am tired. But not in pain, I didn't wanna run those 5 miles but can at least feel accomplished in knowing I did. Why this morning I woke up and finally bought myself a hydration belt to start practicing with on Sunday during my long run.

But short term, well tomorrow is a short 2 miler that I may make a 3 and then Saturday I'm off for my 5K. Next up will be the Human Race on October 24. Anyone can participate at any time, anywhere on that day. All you need is the Nike plus gear, run a 6K, log it in and you've participated.

As for staying here at work another moment longer," I don't wanna," so good night.

Weighing In

Tuesdays and Fridays are my cross training days. That usually means I get up at 6 am, hit the gym and lift weights for about 1/2 an hour and then come back home to ride my stationary bike at hardest level for 35 minutes. It's a sweat maker, and when I was trying to lose weight it was pretty disgusting.

Every other Tuesday's routine is a little bit different because it involves my two week weigh in. While losing weight I weighed myself almost every day, then toward the end I cut that back to every few days and now every two weeks. This allows me to learn to relax a little about my weight, yet allows me to keep a good eye on it. It also lets me see how one or two more indulgent days balances out with the other pretty darn good days.

So today was a weigh in day and since Sunday will be the one year anniversary of the beginning of all of this I secretly was anxious. I went to bed early as I was tired and got a great night's sleep. I relaxed more this weekend than I had previously so my stress level bottomed out, so I got up at 6 am and stepped on the scale and the result was amazing.

Nearly a four pound drop. Anyone who doubts what too much sodium, stress, lack of sleep and girly hormones can do to body here is the proof. I dropped almost four pounds once those factors were taken out of the equation which brought my total to 100 pounds EXACTLY with 5 days to spare.

I didn't set out to hit this goal, I honestly told myself in the beginning that it would be a miracle to fit into a size 16 pants or hit 165. Once I reached the doctor's goal weight I was pretty satisfied but started thinking maybe a 100 wouldn't be so bad. But I really didn't try, in fact I began and continue to eat more and exercise less (believe it or not, or at least less intensely).

But I did it. I did it. And honestly, you need to pinch me cause I can't believe it.

I now know I can run a half marathon and survive, I now know I can lose 100 pounds and be happier, and I now know I can do anything I set my mind to and that, to me, is priceless.

Day in the Sun

After my screw up on Saturday I was ready for my rest day on Sunday. To tell the complete truth I was dreading getting out of bed on Sunday, not because it was my day of rest, but because I couldn't help thinking about how I overdid it on Saturday and every part of my body was going to hurt.

Mentally, I resolved myself to an early morning ice bath. Not my favorite way to start the day but I was expecting to basically lay in the fetal position all day cursing again my stupidity for a different reason. Because I hurt.

Instead, I put both feet on the ground and made my way to the bathroom. From there I was off, almost in a sprint, to the kitchen where I was warmly received by our dogs and Lyndsey. I couldn't believe it, despite a little soreness in my left quad from the legpress on Friday (which is totally normal) nothing else hurt.

Really? Really? I thought I must be dreaming. I must still be in bed with my eyes clothes busily snoring away and this has to be some kind of fantastic dream. But it wasn't, it was reality and by 10 am we had done our grocery shopping and were home.

By 1:30 p.m. I was covered in sunscreen and relaxing by our pool. I soaked in the sun and thanked God that I didn't have to run and that I wasn't in pain. I will admit I didn't take a complete day off, I did water run for 15 minutes to keep my muscles loose and what do you know!

My run this morning was the easiest, most fun, least painful Monday run I have had since the first week. Must be something in the water!

A day in the sun was a perfect way to begin this week. It's an easy run week as my 5K is this Saturday, the first of my three races. I am still toying with going all out and trying to run as fast as possible or sit back and enjoy it, while learning the ropes.

Back in May when I decided I would run this race this year instead of walking it like last year 3.1 miles didn't seem too hard or long, but it still seemed kind of big for me. Funny, how after a 10 mile run where I felt like I could have gone forever, 3 miles seems so insignificant.

But it's not insignificant I know, I fought tooth and nail to be able to complete this weekend's 5K and I'll be just as proud of myself when I cross the finish line this Saturday as I will in February.

And when it's all over and done, it will be followed by a day in the sun.

Mind Over Matter or in Other Words, Stupidity

Mind over matter, as I had discovered in weight loss, that if your mind thinks it can your body just follows. I often say that the easy part was the physical, well today that wasn't exactly true.

Today was the day of my first seven miler. I had been looking forward to the extra distance but have to admit I was anxious. So much so that I barely slept last night and was up at 4 am to eat. A good rule of thumb is to eat an hour at least before you run your long runs but the truth is carbs get stored 1 to 2 hours after eating. I figured I would be running by 6 am and that was close enough to the window that I would be okay.

And I was. It wasn't the food or the company, my roommate Lyndsey got up to run with me- yep, I got her hooked, and it wasn't the weather. It was my knee. Apparently in women runner it's common to have pain in the sides of your knees if you run a more than 10 minute mile. I generally don't run a 10 minute mile, I am typically between 8:30 and 9 minutes but the point of LSD's are to run 1-2 minutes slower than usual which gives me over a 10 minute mile.

So here's the conundrum, run slow as I am supposed to and experience bone breaking excruciating pain in my knee or run faster and burn out way too soon. The pain in my knees didn't start until two weeks ago. I know it's not an injury, injury because one day my left knee hurts and the next it will be my right. This morning it was my right one.

First I woke up at 4 am with an awful charley horse in my right calf, then after massaging it I ate and tried to go back to slow with no success. We got to the park, walked a little, began to jog. It hurt pretty bad but I kept going, then it loosened and the rest of my miler with Lyndsey seemed fine.

At mile 3.5 the pain in my knee became so unbearable I felt like I was running on a broken leg and at 3.68 I stopped. Hurting physically but hurting emotionally. I was disappointed. I wanted seven and I didn't want to stop until I got seven. I hobbled back the direction of the car and met up with Lyndsey. She graciously walked with me another mile or so, since my knee felt better walking than running, because they recommend you at least go the distance if possible.

We returned to the car and I lost it. I will admit I was a child, I threw a tantum due to my humiliation, my disappointment and my own immaturity. I told her to stop the car I was walking home (though by now walking was almost impossible for me). I got out and hobbled away, shaking my head in disgust that I was hurt and it had prevented me from succeeding.

A few more steps and I couldn't stand the humiliation of walking while all the runners sprinted by, so I stepped out and winced in pain. The I jogged, agony. I kept jogging, thinking pick up the pace it won't hurt. 3.5 miles more that's it. Lyndsey was long gone because it was a one way street with no turn around so I headed toward home.

No phone. I knew I was up a creek if it began to hurt more, no way to reach her. I knew she would be scare and I knew I was stupid but that person inside would not let me stop.

I ran, jogged, and at the early points almost crawled the rest of the way home. All 7.08 miles of it. Honestly, by mile 3.68 this time my knee felt brand new, my pace was so good I wasn't breathing hard and I knew I could finish it out.

The downside during my moment of feeling victorious was I knew Lyndsey was out there searching for me, she thought I could barely walk. She was looking for a limp. She passed me in the car as I took our normal route home but didn't see me as she was looking for someone limping.

I made it all the way home to remember I was locked out, she had the key. A quick dash into the apartment complex's pool bathroom gave me a little relief, but then there I was with no water, no shower access, no food sitting on the steps hoping she would come home. My heart broke because I knew she was circling and circling and freaking out. I was drenched in sweat waiting and about 10 minutes later she pulls up, bursts in to tears and lets me inside.

Mind over matter? Not really. Stubbornness, selfishness, and just plain cruelty. I got my seven miles, in fact in total I got over 10, but the cost of stupidity is high for me to ever pay again.

Pace Yourself

The first six weeks of training were glorious. I felt eager, anxious, accomplished, educated and proud. It's a learning process much like everything else. Any sport I ever played demanded quick sprints, not endurance running. The goal was to always finish hard and finish fast, not conserve your energy and pace yourself.

Pace yourself.

Hmm, ever really stopped to think about that first word? Pace. Despite 8 weeks of experience in training thus far I still haven't really understood that word or that phrase,"pace yourself."

The goal in marathon training is to run slow, or at least it is for beginners whose only goal is just to finish. Alive. Most training schedules call for 4 run days a week. An easy day, a tempo day, a speed day and a long slow day (LSD). Easy is self explanatory I think (you should be able to have a conversation while you run, tempo is running a majority of your miles for that day at a pace that is challenging but doable (you should want to quit but be able to keep going), speed day or other (like incline) consists of Fartleks (most people call them intervals) shorter distances at higher speeds like sprinting or practicing hill running, and long slow days that consist of running longer distances at a much slower pace.

How hard is that? Hard or at least for an intense personality like me. It's not easy to lay back and jog, my muscles want to work harder, my watch tells me I want to finish earlier, my mind doesn't understand "slow down."

I began this post by talking about the first six weeks being enjoyable though I am eight weeks in because the last two weeks I have been struggling. In my head I have quit like ten times, I am not finding my runs very fun, I am not sleeping because I am anxious about having enough time to get my work out in and finish all the other things going on in my life and I am stressed out.

Running was at first my place to be quiet, sort all of these things out, listen to the rhythmic breathing in my lungs and the thudding of my heart. It soothed me, it calmed me, it gave me joy.

Last week that all changed. I can't put my finger on what exactly changed it but it changed. What I do know is that my entire life right now isn't following the rule of "pace yourself." I am too busy looking for an answer, too busy trying to find a solution, too stressed to want to lay back and just let the training take me where I need to go.

It's just a 5k next weekend, then I have six weeks before the half marathon I plan to run the weekend of my birthday, and then 8 weeks before the big one. I should trust the training, I should trust there are enough hours in the day to run, I should just take one breath at a time and put one foot in front of the other.

How do you pace yourself? I'd really like to know in earnest because right now I am at such a crossroads that it feels like it should be all or nothing.

In the Beginning

In the beginning God created man and runners have an inside joke that on the seventh day God ran an easy 3.

It is phrase found on many a t-shirt, mug, sticker or whatever you'd like if you want to search for at at www.cafepress.com. I didn't really get it until I began training for my first, and most likely only, full marathon in Austin, Tx, next Valentine's Day.

Like any training regime there is a lot more work that goes into the decision and preparation for the actual event than just the training itself. For example, after being diagnosed with a little known condition called Insulin Resistance a year ago next week I had to lose almost 100 pounds to get myself back in the "healthy" and "normal" weight group. I spent the last 11 months working out six days a week for one to one and half hours each day, cutting back my caloric intake and changing what I eat daily.

The result has been good, strike that. The result has been great and led me to seriously consider running a full marathon in May. The thought kept creeping around my head because as I lost the weight, I gained perspective. Instead of looking at challenging and rolling my eyes in the knowledge that I would never achieve them I started saying to myself, "why not?"

"Why not try?" I asked myself 8 weeks ago. I had been running consistently for a number of months, on and off between a case of tendinitis that would flare up from time to time. Why couldn't I at least commit to training for a marathon.

My father is a marathon runner, in fact he's run an ultramarathon, and I've heard his stories and never once did the idea of attempting one appeal to me. As I said though, the "how couldI" became "why not".

I committed to trying and I say it this way because in life there are no guarantees. I have learned in the past year than life is more mental than anything else, as is weight loss, as is training for a 26.2 mile run. I know that if my mind will go there my body will follow, unfortunately, though the mind doesn't have control over injuries or burnout.

Coming to accept that while I can commit to training I cannot guarantee participation or even successful finish. My goal is just that. To finish, whether I run, walk or crawl I want to cross that finish line barring any serious injury.

So, here I go. My first goal may be reached next Saturday as I run in the Race for the Cure Houston 5k. A small goal in terms of a marathon but a gigantic goal for me as last year on the exact same weekend I was only able to walk the race. I had been diagnosed the day before and woke up the morning of the 2008 race with a journey before me. This year, I return running. In the best shape I have been in since I was probably 12 years old.

In life it's always one foot in front of the other. Here's to the first step and next Saturday's easy 3.